I feel like one of these would kill a European
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The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Saturday
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.