{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
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ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
a fate I wish upon no one
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT