“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
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Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.