English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
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[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
This is my favorite one of these!
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”