wishing you and yours all the best
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[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
me when i see my girls butt
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Worth a try
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open