“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
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Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.