[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
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please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take