Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
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This made me smile…
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
*bites zombie*
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
The Others (2001)
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.