Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
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I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.