[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
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Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.