Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
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“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
“What?”
– Jude
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.