Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
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Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend