the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
You Might Also Like
Ooops wrong house😂😜
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then