People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
You Might Also Like
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)