I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
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Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”