Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
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Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
an octopus is just a wet spider
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.