I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
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[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.