—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok