try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
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Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Nice try, poison.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?