Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
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Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.