I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
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Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I’m crying im so happy for them
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*