Well well well…
You Might Also Like
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Social Media and Real life
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.