If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
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12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
🦝🔥🦝🔥
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant