I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
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Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.