After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
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December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
#parenting
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget