My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
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she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.