[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
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I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector