STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit