(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Me when my alarm goes off
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…