me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
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Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
58.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Holy crap this is wonderful
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.