My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
You Might Also Like
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*