A friend sent me this.
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*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper