Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
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Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
#oldknees
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.