I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
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I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
A ghost story
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Liquor Store Parking
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.