I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
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*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them