I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
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A double negative is a big no-no.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
As the Lord intended
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.