I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
You Might Also Like
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out