If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Ain’t no way
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.