[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
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“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?