I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?