if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
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I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
“HELP WITH CAT”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do