good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
You Might Also Like
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.