When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.