My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
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M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”