Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
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[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job