I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My therapist after every session
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe