Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
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Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
*exercises sarcastically*
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.