COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
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You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho