[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
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If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
can I use a minion as a tampon
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen