Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
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My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.